A Postman Came Pedalling

A postman came pedalling
On a bike, from the yard.
No bills in his hand
Just an old-postmarked Christmas card.
It was proof that the lazy twat
Had skived and not worked hard,
So he got a faceful of holly.
And mistletoe.

And he yelled
“Aaaaaargh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh.

Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh.”
　

A fit bird got a taxi
To my flat, from The Crown.
We got on so well
I was soon heading down.
Then, oh dear me,
She had the painters in town,
And she had had her pants full of Max-Catch.
And Tena Girl.

And I yelled
“Aaaaaargh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh.

Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh.”
　

So my message to you
In the season of snow,
Is don’t trust the postman
The lazy mo-fo,
And if your bird’s on the blob
Just go with the flow,
And if she has the face of an ogre,
Just think of Su-Bo.

Just think, don’t scream out,
“Aaaaaargh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh.

Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh,
Argh-argh-argh.”

One, Maybe Two New Classics In The Next Week

My homage to the music festival, and my bitter, personal slagging off of a cunt I have chosen to call Richard, are well advanced.


I intend to upload both to the public domain in the next week. Upload, if you don't understand, means "put on". The festival work, working title Flaps, is looking superb, but the other one (Dick) is a slightly poorly fucker at the moment.



Still, Stilgoe didn't get where he is by giving up!

Love Sickness

Do ya feel love sick, baybay?
When I lick your bowl, baybay?
You gonna toss my stick, baybay?
When I dig your hole, baybay?
Gonna feel a prick, baybay!
When I stick it in, baybay!
Cos my love syringe, baybay,
Give you love infection, baybay!
　

But I’ve never seen a bush that’s hairier!
More fur than Great Uncle Bulgaria!
But you know I’ll still give you my spongle!
Not your fault you got a muff like a womble!


Do ya feel love-iffy, baybay?
When you use my hob, baybay?
Just ignore that stiffy, baybay!
And twiddle my knob, baybay!
Get the panhandle hot, baybay!
Squirt oil over, baybay!
Keep tossing it quick, baybay!
I’m gonna boil over, baybay!
　

But I’ve never seen norks so saggy!
That Lycra bra’s still baggy!
You got smaller boobs than Todd Carty’s!
Not your fault that you’re smuggling Smarties!
　

Arriva Doncaster

Rehearsals II

Ferrari can’t get her idiot gob around If I Was A Bird. If I can do it why can’t she?

　
At least we managed a few run-throughs today in between her boyfriend issues. I think I might have to advertise for a new Ferrari if she doesn’t shape up soon.

　

Jesus Christ. I was word perfect through Half An Hour Later, Alice In Poundland, Ever Been Ad, you name it! How come some she can’t crack it?

Rehearsals

Announcing that rehearsals will be starting next Monday.


Ferrari will be joining me.



I will try to ask some idiot to take a photograph of us in action.

Forthcoming Material

Greetings Teeth fans!


You may have been wondering what I have been doing since my successful British tour in July. Well I haven't been sitting around doing Lucky Fifteens all day you know!



You'll be delighted to hear that several new works are almost complete, so look out for these beauties being published:


Richard By Name, Dick By Nature

I Kissed A Bird And She Liked It

Howzat!

Tent Flaps (working title)



I've also been re-touching Boning The Tuna, with Wisbech Gail completely written out of it.